Great IdeasLiving well

Friendship and love

Why we need friends, and the many kinds of love.

The question

What is a true friend? Why do we need friends, and what kinds of love are there?

The stops on a time line 8 stops, from 380 BC to 1884. Each number is a stop below, placed at its year.
  1. 1 Plato 380 BC
  2. 2 Aristotle 340 BC
  3. 3 Thomas Aquinas 1272
  4. 4 Michel de Montaigne 1580
  5. 5 William Shakespeare 1609
  6. 6 James Boswell 1791
  7. 7 Jane Austen 1815
  8. 8 Mark Twain 1884

How the books answer

Oldest first. Each stop is our own short summary of what the author argued; follow the link to the rung for the whole lesson.

  1. c. 385–370 BC

    Plato, Symposium and Phaedrus

    In the Symposium, friends at a dinner take turns praising love. Socrates passes on what he says he learned from a wise woman, Diotima: love can rise step by step, from caring for one person to loving good character, then knowledge, and at last beauty itself. For Plato, love is a longing that can lift the soul upward.

    Go to the rung: Plato: Symposium and Phaedrus

  2. c. 340–322 BC

    Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics

    Aristotle sorts friendships into three kinds: friends who are useful to each other, friends who enjoy each other, and friends who love each other for their goodness. Only the third kind lasts, because it rests on who the friends are. A true friend, he says, is like another self, and no one would choose to live without friends even with every other good thing.

    Go to the rung: Aristotle: Nicomachean Ethics

  3. 1265–1274

    Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, later parts (as selected in volume 18)

    Aquinas takes Aristotle's idea of friendship and uses it to describe love of God. Charity, he argues, is a friendship between a person and God, and it reaches out from there to love one's neighbor. Friendship becomes the model for the highest love.

    “The love which is based on this communication, is charity: wherefore it is evident that charity is the friendship of man for God.”

    Thomas Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part, Question 23, Article 1. Translated by the Fathers of the English Dominican Province (Second and Revised Edition, 1920). New Advent.

    Go to the rung: Aquinas: Faith, Hope and Love

  4. 1580–1595

    Michel de Montaigne, Essays

    Montaigne writes about his friend Étienne de La Boétie, who died young. Ordinary friendships, he says, are built on usefulness or habit, but theirs was a joining of two souls that he could not fully explain. Asked why he loved his friend, he could only answer: because it was he, because it was I.

    Go to the rung: Montaigne: Essays

  5. published 1609

    William Shakespeare, Sonnets

    Shakespeare's sonnets praise a beloved friend and promise that poetry will keep his beauty alive. Sonnet 116 describes a love that does not change when times change. It is a steady mark that ships can steer by in a storm.

    “Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments.”

    William Shakespeare, Sonnet 116. (Shake-speares Sonnets, London, 1609). Project Gutenberg.

    Go to the rung: Shakespeare: The Sonnets

  6. 1791

    James Boswell, The Life of Samuel Johnson

    Boswell, a young Scot, became the friend of the great English writer Samuel Johnson, though Johnson liked to tease the Scots. Boswell wrote down their talks for years. His book shows a real friendship between two very different men, with arguments, jokes and loyalty.

    Go to the rung: Boswell: The Life of Samuel Johnson

  7. 1815

    Jane Austen, Emma

    In Emma, Mr. Knightley proves his friendship by telling Emma when she has done wrong, as when she mocks poor Miss Bates. Emma's friendship with Harriet, by contrast, is spoiled because Emma tries to manage her. Austen suggests that a true friend wants your good, not only your comfort.

    “Her situation should secure your compassion.”

    Go to the rung: Jane Austen: Emma

  8. 1884–1885

    Mark Twain, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

    Huck and Jim, a man escaping slavery, float down the Mississippi together. Huck was raised to see Jim as property, but on the raft he comes to know Jim as a kind, wise friend. Twain shows a friendship growing stronger than the rules of the society around them.

    “We said there warn't no home like a raft, after all.”

    Go to the rung: Twain: Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

For young readers

A friend is someone you like to be with and who wants good things for you. Aristotle noticed three kinds of friends: friends who help each other, friends who have fun together, and friends who care about each other because they are both good people.

The third kind lasts the longest. A true friend will play with you, but also tell you kindly when you are being unfair, and stay with you when things are hard.

Talk about it

  • Which of Aristotle's three kinds of friendship do you have? Can one friendship be more than one kind?
  • Mr. Knightley tells Emma she was unkind. Is it friendly to tell a friend they did something wrong? How should you do it?
  • Montaigne couldn't explain why he loved his friend. Can you explain why you like your best friend?
  • Huck and Jim become friends even though the world around them said they shouldn't. Why do you think their friendship grew?
  • Can a family member also be a friend?

Where else on the site

Every rung tagged with this idea:

These pages are our own short synthesis, written for families. They were inspired by Mortimer J. Adler's Syntopicon, the index of great ideas in volumes 1 and 2 of Great Books of the Western World, but the questions, summaries and groupings are ours, not the Syntopicon's. Short excerpts come from public-domain translations, credited where they appear.

@teddyrookbook GitHub Sources and credits