When you share a conversation, some topics bring people together and some make them want to leave. A remark can be true, and even meant kindly, and still make someone uncomfortable.
Key idea
Leave out remarks about someone’s body or weight, money (how much things cost, how much people earn, how big their house is) and private family matters. Talk about interests, plans, books, games, animals, food and what you are doing together.
Why it works
People can’t easily change their body, their money or their family’s troubles, and a remark about them puts the person on the spot in front of others. Good manners mean thinking about how a remark will feel to the person who hears it, not only whether it is true.
Worked example: A remark that is true
At a family dinner, Leo notices his cousin has a cast on her arm. Is it fine to ask about it?
- A cast is something she will expect questions about, and a kind question shows care.
- Keep it gentle and let her decide how much to say: “Oh no, what happened? Does it hurt?”
- Skip jokes about it, and don’t ask more if she changes the subject.
Answer: Yes, gently: “Oh no, what happened?” Then let her lead.
Worked example: Steering away
Ruby’s friend says, “Your house is so small!” What could Ruby say, and what is the lesson for the friend?
- Ruby can answer calmly and change the topic: “It’s cozy. Want to see my room?”
- The friend’s remark was about money and size: it can make a family feel judged.
- Better: say something kind and true, like “I love your room!”
Answer: Ruby: “It’s cozy. Want to see my room?” The friend: skip remarks about the size of someone’s home.
Common mistake
Thinking a remark is fine because it is true or meant kindly, like “You got so tall!” or “You’ve gained weight.” If it is about someone’s body or money, skip it. A good test: would you want this said about you in front of everyone?
Customs differ. Families differ about what is private. Some talk openly about money at home, and that is their choice. With friends, neighbors and guests, the polite custom in the U.S. is to leave those topics out unless the other person brings them up.