Most people feel a little shy before they talk to someone new: at a party, on the first day of a club, or while waiting for practice to start. Here is a secret: the other person is often just as nervous, and they will be glad you went first. Starting a conversation is a small kindness you can learn.
Key idea
Open with a greeting and a simple question or comment about something you share right now: the class, the game, the food, the place. “Hi, I’m Ruby. Have you been to this pool before?”
Why it works
Manners are kindness made into habits. A friendly opener puts the other person at ease: it shows you are interested in them, and a question about the moment you share is easy for anyone to answer. Nobody has to think hard about “What did you think of the movie?” right after the movie.
Worked example: At a new club
Leo arrives at the first meeting of the chess club. A girl is setting up a board by herself. What can Leo say?
- Start with a greeting and your name: “Hi, I’m Leo.”
- Add a question about the thing you share, the club: “Is this your first meeting too?”
- If she answers, you have a conversation. If she is quiet, ask one more easy question: “Do you want to play a game?”
Answer: “Hi, I’m Leo. Is this your first meeting too?”
Worked example: A grown-up at a family party
Omar is next to his aunt’s neighbor, Mr. Diaz, at a cookout. What is a good opener?
- Greet him with his title: “Hi, Mr. Diaz.”
- Comment on or ask about the cookout you are both at: “Did you try the corn? It’s really good.”
- Grown-ups enjoy being asked about things, too: “How do you know my aunt?”
Answer: “Hi, Mr. Diaz. Did you try the corn?”
Common mistake
Waiting for the other person to start, or opening with a fact about yourself (“I have a new phone”). Waiting leaves you both stuck, and a fact gives them nothing to answer. Check your opener: does it end with a question they can answer easily?
Good openers to keep ready: “How do you know (the host)?” “Have you been here before?” “What did you think of the game?” “Is this seat taken?”