You already know how to sit well and how to pass dishes. Two more habits keep a meal pleasant for the people beside you: asking instead of reaching, and keeping your space tidy.
Key idea
If something is out of easy reach, ask: “Could you please pass the butter?” Keep your elbows off the table while you are eating. Keep phones, toys and hats away from the table.
Why it works
Reaching across someone puts your arm in front of their face and over their plate, and it can knock over a glass. Asking takes two seconds and gives the other person a chance to help. Elbows on the table while eating crowd your neighbors and lean you over your plate. And a phone or a toy at the table tells the people there that something else matters more.
Worked example: The butter is far away
The butter is in front of Grandpa Walt, two seats from Omar. What should Omar do?
- Ask the person closest to it: “Grandpa, could you please pass the butter?”
- Wait for it to come to him.
- Say thank you when it arrives.
Answer: “Grandpa, could you please pass the butter?” and “Thank you.”
Worked example: Between courses
Dinner is over and everyone is talking, waiting for dessert. Ruby rests her forearms on the table. Is that rude?
- Most etiquette writers say elbows are fine between courses or after the meal, while people are talking and not eating.
- The custom is about not leaning over your food while eating.
- Some families prefer elbows off at all times, so follow your family’s rule.
Answer: Usually not. Elbows are generally fine between courses; follow the family’s custom.
Common mistake
Thinking elbows are never allowed. Most etiquette writers say elbows on the table are fine between courses or after the meal, just not while you are eating. The bigger rule is about not crowding or reaching over your neighbors.
Customs differ. Hats and caps come off at the table in most American homes; religious head coverings stay on. In some families phones are fine at a casual meal, and in others they are never allowed. When you are a guest, follow the house custom, and when in doubt, put the phone away.